A quickening...

I feel a quickening inside; there is without doubt a power struggle at work in my psyche, soul and body.

Ten years ago a group of structures, complexes, memes, in my mind loosened-up and reorganised themselves. I didn’t plan or ask for this to happen, it just did.

This led to a hugely enjoyable breakthrough in my understanding of 'what the fuck is going on'. For a short, exhilarating time, it felt as if I had gained access to a certain clarity of understanding way beyond anything I had experienced before (except perhaps odd moments with magic mushrooms/LSD).

The clarity started to fade after a year or so and left me to return to the banality of my personality-mind. Unfortunately I've spent much of the last ten years trying to replicate this event with little success.

However, I do have a scribbled-down-on-a-napkin type map, I know dimly where the keys are, I have a hunch of what the next move should be. The trick is working out what to do without trying to do what I’ve done before.

I want to write more about all this. I've hesitated in the past because I'm not sure how to express it all and this has left me worried that others may not understand and I'll end up being laughed at. But fuck all that. I don't have the time for all this narcissism, enough childishness.